CHRISTMAS BANNED

It has been announced that Christmas 2007 will be the last celebrated in England on health and safety grounds. Millions of British women suffer stress and/or injury each year during the festive season, and the risk is now deemed to be too great. Local townswoman Asima Iqbal will be sad to see it go: "Although we're Muslims and don't celebrate Christmas, we still serve the food and give presents - it's tradition," Mrs Iqbal, 33, from Bradford, shared. "Last year I broke my foot by dropping the massive overfed turkey on it, and having all the family round was awful. But what's winter without Christmas?" However, not everyone shares her view. Armani Hughes, 20, from Romford, said: "I just can't be a*sed with it. We have chips on Christmas Day. I'm not cooking all that lot just for someone to eat it." Mrs Hughes has also sustained a festive injury; last year she developed RSI in her left wrist due to repeatedly making rude gestures at her shiftless idler husband. On the whole the decision is greeted with saddened relief, except by tabloid newspapers. "What are we supposed to chunter about now?" asked Richard Braine of The Star. "We can't blame this on immigrants. The paper's washed up, and we can't even say it's political correctness gone mad."
Mr Braine added: "Won't somebody please think of the journalists?"

SPICE FIGHTS ARE STAGED, CLAIMS CHOREOGRAPHER

An itinerant choreographer today hit out at the newly-reformed Spice Girls, claiming: "The whole thing is stage managed from start to finish. The tour, diets and reunion fights have all been carefully pre-scripted. If they speak a single word that deviates from the script, they stand to lose every penny of their fee." Suspicions of the sort were raised after dissatisfied Mel C, who is rumoured to have a talent, was seen with her head in her hands sobbing in a Kentish Town bar. As concerned staff approached the celebrity (real name Melanie Chisholm), she was accosted by a phalanx of security guards and led away with a bag over her head. Bar manager Dylan Owusu commented: "She was clearly distraught. You could hear the sobs from inside the bag, but although we pleaded with the security guards to treat her gently, they just told us that it was part of her contract." The revelations made by choreographer Shelley Cordigan backed up fears that the Spice Girls are entirely at the mercy of their management. Ms Cordigan showed "tour blueprints" to the press. The "blueprints" mapped out the tour from start to finish, including rows between Ms Chisholm and bandmate Victoria Beckham and between Geri Halliwell and everybody, a new diet for Ms Beckham and a secret group suicide bid. They bore the authentic signature of each Spice Girl, next to a promise that should any member renege on the agreement, they would be replaced on tour by their child.
Fears are now rampant for the safety of the Spice Girls under such brutal rule. The shakiness of the signatures indicates that the signers were wearing thumbscrews at the time. Ms Cordigan states, "The girls are fed on bread and water in between gigs, and only allowed to see a regulated amount of sunlight." Pressure groups are now calling for their imminent release from the contract.

HEATHER NOW "GREENER THAN LINDA"

Troubled Scouse spouse Heather Mills is now officially greener than her estranged husband's first wife, deceased vegetarian Linda McCartney, following her decision to go vegan last week. "Linda was only ever lacto-ovovegetarian," stated an inside source. "Heather wants to go one better and really demonstrate her environmental credentials. Ethi-polls demonstrate that Ms Mills' decision has hit the green spot, and that she is now perceived as twice as green as her no-longer-with-us love rival. Poll participants rated her at a high level of greenness, agreeing with adjectives such as "sage" and "jade" to describe the exact shade. However, the McCartney family have hit out at the poll results, branding them "unfair". "My mother was three times as green as Heather," reportedly raged Heather's fashion designer stepdaughter Stella. "It's just an attempt to grab headlines." Heather's ex-husband, the obscenely rich former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly seen to be smoking the green, and therefore unavailable for comment.

BRINGING UP THE REAR: JORDAN TO HAVE RECTUM RESHAPED

England's most famous surgically-enhanced was seen near a North London cosmetic surgery clinic yesterday, fuelling rumours that she is considering further operations. The glamour model and reality TV star, who also goes by her real name Katie Price, admitted recently that she intended to have yet more breast augmentation. "It will be my fourth boob job," admitted Jordan, who in the same interview revealed that she is considering vaginoplasty in order to achieve reborn virginal status. An inside source suggested yesterday that Jordan is also considering rectoplasty - a procedure undergone largely by stars of adult films, to reshape her rectum. The all-purpose celebrity's posterior will be more youthful after the op, and will be better shaped to accommodate objects including her own head.

"BRANGELINA" TO BECOME A REALITY

Hollywood's most famous A-list couple revealed yesterday that they were to be "fused" to create one person. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirmed that their DNA would be blended in MIT's much-vaunted new bio-silo to create "Brangelina", a single superbeing named after their portmanteau press nickname. "Brangelina will contain us both," stated Ms Jolie at press conference today. "It will be able to do all the things we can as individuals, while holding the two of us in a beautiful unified whole."Mr Pitt stood behind his partner and nodded supprtively. "Brad feels the same as I do," continued Ms Jolie when attention was drawn to Mr Pitt's silence. "We have explained this to the kids, Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh and they're for it too. They really like the idea of having a super-parent."
Added Ms Jolie: "Ever since I wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood round my neck, I have dreamed of this day. I am really looking forward to wearing Brad's face."
The so-called Third World is thought to be unnerved at the onslaught of this superbeing, and is hiding its newborns in readiness.

POSH IN AIR-EATING SCANDAL

Amid an increasingly fervent size-zero debate fuelled by celebrity magazines and the gutter tabloids, Victoria Beckham has allegedly embarked on a hydrogen-only diet. "The element hydrogen makes up a proportion of the air that we breathe, but is ignored by the body in favour of the higher-energy oxygen," states Posh's diet advisor, Californian Tiffany Bones. "By using hydrogen instead, Posh can slim down to the newest size, -2, which is healthy for her height." The ex-Spice Girl will be fitted with a chemical converter to extract hydrogen from the air and infuse it into her bloodstream. The diet is the eighth that Posh has been on since July. Previous diets include only eating hermit crabs, whortleberries and green tea.

MOSS "MOONLIGHTING AS STARVING CHILD"

It has come to light today that well-known skinnymalinks model Kate Moss moonlights as a starving child for charity advertisements designed to bleed guilt money out of people mulching their kidneys with hamburgers. Ms Moss, who shot to fame modelling for Calvin Klein, hunches up her globally famous six-foot frame in order to pass for a malnourished nine-year-old in the ads, which air on television at all hours of the day. An anonymous source said, "Even with excessive zombifying makeup, Kate Moss' face is recognisable as that of the child in the ad." There is as yet no confirmation in the rumour that the "excessive zombifying makeup" spoken of was manufactured by Ms Moss' previous employers, the cosmetics giant Rimmel.
Boris Fortescue, a spokesperson for the Lovely Little Children charity which runs the advertisements, expressed surprise and dismay at the discovery. "I am surprised and dismayed," Mr Fortescue revealed in press conference today. "I had no idea that our ads didn't use real children. Furthermore, I am concerned that a woman who is rumoured in every tabloid to be a cokehead and an anorexic is perhaps not the best role model for the mass media-starved children we are trying to bring to a global audience."
Ms Moss' on-off-on partner, the unprosecutable smackmeister and Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty was unavailable for comment.

GORE: I'LL TURNABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

Al Gore announced today that he is to be frozen in a glacier for three days to raise awareness of climate change. The former vice-president of the United States recently received the Nobel Peace Prize for his environmental activism. "Climate change is a vital issue for us all," stated Mr Gore in press conference today. "By becoming an iceman, I will be able to highlight this." Mr Gore has been working with well-known New York magician David Blaine to ensure that he will survive the seventy-two hour freezing in Nunavut's Turnabout Glacier.
"After the freezing, I will tear myself out of the glacier and stomp, ice-covered, to Washington DC, which is incidentally my birthplace, in order to present a world petition to the leaders of my country to stop their heedless and selfish waste of natural resources when the rest of the world is putting some effort in." Added Gore: "The iceman cometh, and I hope it will scare the bejesus out of them."

RICHARD BRANSON TO STAR IN NEW REALITY TV SHOW



Cringworthy moneybags entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson is to present a new reality TV show in ITV's continuing quest to contribute to national health by providing television that will stimulate the public to go out instead. Grovel For It! will air on Saturday nights, and feature people who were mildly famous about twenty years ago. During the hour-long show, guests will perform increasingly desperate acts in order to secure some of the Virgin megastar's cash stash to shore up their own failing careers. "Each act comes with a price tag," explained a spokesperson for Sir Richard. "Doing a little dance will secure you £50. Signing a contract with a German scat production company will earn you £200. The really high price tags are attached to wild and inventive acts such as attempting to marry a Guernsey cow, having a threesome with Ant and Dec, or sobbing at Sir Richard's feet, begging him for a second chance at fame. It's perfect family viewing."

DIANA'S HEART TRULY "QUEEN OF HEARTS"

The pathologist's attendant for the postmortem performed on Diana, Princess of Wales, confirmed today that her heart was unusual in many ways. Andre Psmith, 32, who has worked as a pathologist's attendant and scalpel-holder for some two years, witnessed the royal autopsy in 1997, and remembers vividly seeing the heart.
"It was greatly engorged for one thing, very large," he revealed to reporters today. "She literally had a very big heart. There was room for at least one small, disadvantaged child to curl up inside." Asked if he had tested this theory, Mr Psmith agreed that a colleague's baby had been "borrowed" for the purpose. "The heart also showed damage, and in many places it was actually broken," Mr Psmith went on, becoming tearful, "She suffered so much, not just for herself but for us all." Mr Psmith, a noted royalist, also stated that the heart was a delicate rose-blush pink "very classy, not like the crude crimson hues favoured by commoners," and that the aorta formed into a delicate crown shape.

"I'VE TURNED MY LIFE AROUND": BRITNEY TO MARRY VICAR

In the wake of losing custody of her children to her dense ex Kevin Federline, drug allegations and a seeming allergy to underwear, pop princess Britney Spears announced her engagement last night to the Reverend John Arbuthnot (59), of Carshalton.
Ms Spears, 24, attended a press conference last night clad in a calf-length floral Laura Ashley dress and flat lace-up shoes. In homage to the well-known fact that brunettes are immune to the label of "slapper", Miss Spears had also dyed her hair a dull mid-brown.
"I have done a lot of things I am not proud of," Miss Spears told reporters, "including losing my children, but I have changed my ways, and found God through His servant John. My love for John will last forever, or at least longer than my previous two marriages have done. So at least two years."
"And it has nothing to do with trying to get my children back," added Miss Spears.
In her new role as vicar's wife, Miss Spears will attend village fetes, visit the elderly and infirm, and make disgusting marrow jam for consumption by visitors. "I am really looking forward to my new life," stated Britney bravely, as she left in the knackered old Volvo that is all the Reverend can afford on his stipend.
Her fiance, the Reverend Arbuthnot, and ex-husband, the ludicrously self-styled K-Fed, were unavailable for comment.

HEAT! MAGAZINE IN "MADE UP" SCANDAL

LONDON:- It transpired today that popular celebrity gossip mag Heat has made up various people to feature in its magazine as celeb icons of fashion and lifestyle. The purely imaginary people include Geri Halliwell, Colleen McLoughlin and the entire cast of the last series of Big Brother. "We pay out-of-work actors and homeless people to wear ridiculous versions of the latest fashions so that we can put a big red X to them in the magazine's Style section," admitted a spokesperson for the tree-wasting rag. "And we point at them and laugh for having cellulite."
The magazine, which in true Poundland style costs a mere pound, defends its actions: "We are giving the dignity of work to these people," stated Heat's spokesperson. "Literally hundreds of bored office workers who make up our demographic look to people like Colleen to help them make informed choices about whether to wear knickers out and whether Kerry Katona's fiance looks like a smackhead or not. We provide a service."
The concoction of flamboyant lies came to light when local man Devon Coutts-ffinchley was refused service at a soup kitchen. Devon, 29, had previously appeared in the fame-grubbing publication as Jeff Brazier, a one-time boyfriend of equally tangentially-famous Jade Goody. "They said I was stealing food from the mouths of the needy," shared Devon between sobs of starvation. "I swore that I wasn't famous, but they said they'd seen me in Heat putting my bin out in a tatty old dressing-gown, and drove me away."
Added Mr Coutts-ffinchley with desperation in his eyes: "I thought Heat would give me work and a way to get off the streets. Now I'm starving to death in a ditch."
Asked what Heat had to say, their spokesperson added defensively: "Look, it's an OK mag. And we do TV listings."
Readers of Heat barely flicked their bored eyeballs away from the TV when informed of the news.