CHRISTMAS BANNED

It has been announced that Christmas 2007 will be the last celebrated in England on health and safety grounds. Millions of British women suffer stress and/or injury each year during the festive season, and the risk is now deemed to be too great. Local townswoman Asima Iqbal will be sad to see it go: "Although we're Muslims and don't celebrate Christmas, we still serve the food and give presents - it's tradition," Mrs Iqbal, 33, from Bradford, shared. "Last year I broke my foot by dropping the massive overfed turkey on it, and having all the family round was awful. But what's winter without Christmas?" However, not everyone shares her view. Armani Hughes, 20, from Romford, said: "I just can't be a*sed with it. We have chips on Christmas Day. I'm not cooking all that lot just for someone to eat it." Mrs Hughes has also sustained a festive injury; last year she developed RSI in her left wrist due to repeatedly making rude gestures at her shiftless idler husband. On the whole the decision is greeted with saddened relief, except by tabloid newspapers. "What are we supposed to chunter about now?" asked Richard Braine of The Star. "We can't blame this on immigrants. The paper's washed up, and we can't even say it's political correctness gone mad."
Mr Braine added: "Won't somebody please think of the journalists?"