CHRISTMAS BANNED

It has been announced that Christmas 2007 will be the last celebrated in England on health and safety grounds. Millions of British women suffer stress and/or injury each year during the festive season, and the risk is now deemed to be too great. Local townswoman Asima Iqbal will be sad to see it go: "Although we're Muslims and don't celebrate Christmas, we still serve the food and give presents - it's tradition," Mrs Iqbal, 33, from Bradford, shared. "Last year I broke my foot by dropping the massive overfed turkey on it, and having all the family round was awful. But what's winter without Christmas?" However, not everyone shares her view. Armani Hughes, 20, from Romford, said: "I just can't be a*sed with it. We have chips on Christmas Day. I'm not cooking all that lot just for someone to eat it." Mrs Hughes has also sustained a festive injury; last year she developed RSI in her left wrist due to repeatedly making rude gestures at her shiftless idler husband. On the whole the decision is greeted with saddened relief, except by tabloid newspapers. "What are we supposed to chunter about now?" asked Richard Braine of The Star. "We can't blame this on immigrants. The paper's washed up, and we can't even say it's political correctness gone mad."
Mr Braine added: "Won't somebody please think of the journalists?"

SPICE FIGHTS ARE STAGED, CLAIMS CHOREOGRAPHER

An itinerant choreographer today hit out at the newly-reformed Spice Girls, claiming: "The whole thing is stage managed from start to finish. The tour, diets and reunion fights have all been carefully pre-scripted. If they speak a single word that deviates from the script, they stand to lose every penny of their fee." Suspicions of the sort were raised after dissatisfied Mel C, who is rumoured to have a talent, was seen with her head in her hands sobbing in a Kentish Town bar. As concerned staff approached the celebrity (real name Melanie Chisholm), she was accosted by a phalanx of security guards and led away with a bag over her head. Bar manager Dylan Owusu commented: "She was clearly distraught. You could hear the sobs from inside the bag, but although we pleaded with the security guards to treat her gently, they just told us that it was part of her contract." The revelations made by choreographer Shelley Cordigan backed up fears that the Spice Girls are entirely at the mercy of their management. Ms Cordigan showed "tour blueprints" to the press. The "blueprints" mapped out the tour from start to finish, including rows between Ms Chisholm and bandmate Victoria Beckham and between Geri Halliwell and everybody, a new diet for Ms Beckham and a secret group suicide bid. They bore the authentic signature of each Spice Girl, next to a promise that should any member renege on the agreement, they would be replaced on tour by their child.
Fears are now rampant for the safety of the Spice Girls under such brutal rule. The shakiness of the signatures indicates that the signers were wearing thumbscrews at the time. Ms Cordigan states, "The girls are fed on bread and water in between gigs, and only allowed to see a regulated amount of sunlight." Pressure groups are now calling for their imminent release from the contract.