HEATHER NOW "GREENER THAN LINDA"

Troubled Scouse spouse Heather Mills is now officially greener than her estranged husband's first wife, deceased vegetarian Linda McCartney, following her decision to go vegan last week. "Linda was only ever lacto-ovovegetarian," stated an inside source. "Heather wants to go one better and really demonstrate her environmental credentials. Ethi-polls demonstrate that Ms Mills' decision has hit the green spot, and that she is now perceived as twice as green as her no-longer-with-us love rival. Poll participants rated her at a high level of greenness, agreeing with adjectives such as "sage" and "jade" to describe the exact shade. However, the McCartney family have hit out at the poll results, branding them "unfair". "My mother was three times as green as Heather," reportedly raged Heather's fashion designer stepdaughter Stella. "It's just an attempt to grab headlines." Heather's ex-husband, the obscenely rich former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly seen to be smoking the green, and therefore unavailable for comment.

BRINGING UP THE REAR: JORDAN TO HAVE RECTUM RESHAPED

England's most famous surgically-enhanced was seen near a North London cosmetic surgery clinic yesterday, fuelling rumours that she is considering further operations. The glamour model and reality TV star, who also goes by her real name Katie Price, admitted recently that she intended to have yet more breast augmentation. "It will be my fourth boob job," admitted Jordan, who in the same interview revealed that she is considering vaginoplasty in order to achieve reborn virginal status. An inside source suggested yesterday that Jordan is also considering rectoplasty - a procedure undergone largely by stars of adult films, to reshape her rectum. The all-purpose celebrity's posterior will be more youthful after the op, and will be better shaped to accommodate objects including her own head.

"BRANGELINA" TO BECOME A REALITY

Hollywood's most famous A-list couple revealed yesterday that they were to be "fused" to create one person. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirmed that their DNA would be blended in MIT's much-vaunted new bio-silo to create "Brangelina", a single superbeing named after their portmanteau press nickname. "Brangelina will contain us both," stated Ms Jolie at press conference today. "It will be able to do all the things we can as individuals, while holding the two of us in a beautiful unified whole."Mr Pitt stood behind his partner and nodded supprtively. "Brad feels the same as I do," continued Ms Jolie when attention was drawn to Mr Pitt's silence. "We have explained this to the kids, Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh and they're for it too. They really like the idea of having a super-parent."
Added Ms Jolie: "Ever since I wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood round my neck, I have dreamed of this day. I am really looking forward to wearing Brad's face."
The so-called Third World is thought to be unnerved at the onslaught of this superbeing, and is hiding its newborns in readiness.

POSH IN AIR-EATING SCANDAL

Amid an increasingly fervent size-zero debate fuelled by celebrity magazines and the gutter tabloids, Victoria Beckham has allegedly embarked on a hydrogen-only diet. "The element hydrogen makes up a proportion of the air that we breathe, but is ignored by the body in favour of the higher-energy oxygen," states Posh's diet advisor, Californian Tiffany Bones. "By using hydrogen instead, Posh can slim down to the newest size, -2, which is healthy for her height." The ex-Spice Girl will be fitted with a chemical converter to extract hydrogen from the air and infuse it into her bloodstream. The diet is the eighth that Posh has been on since July. Previous diets include only eating hermit crabs, whortleberries and green tea.