"I'VE TURNED MY LIFE AROUND": BRITNEY TO MARRY VICAR

In the wake of losing custody of her children to her dense ex Kevin Federline, drug allegations and a seeming allergy to underwear, pop princess Britney Spears announced her engagement last night to the Reverend John Arbuthnot (59), of Carshalton.
Ms Spears, 24, attended a press conference last night clad in a calf-length floral Laura Ashley dress and flat lace-up shoes. In homage to the well-known fact that brunettes are immune to the label of "slapper", Miss Spears had also dyed her hair a dull mid-brown.
"I have done a lot of things I am not proud of," Miss Spears told reporters, "including losing my children, but I have changed my ways, and found God through His servant John. My love for John will last forever, or at least longer than my previous two marriages have done. So at least two years."
"And it has nothing to do with trying to get my children back," added Miss Spears.
In her new role as vicar's wife, Miss Spears will attend village fetes, visit the elderly and infirm, and make disgusting marrow jam for consumption by visitors. "I am really looking forward to my new life," stated Britney bravely, as she left in the knackered old Volvo that is all the Reverend can afford on his stipend.
Her fiance, the Reverend Arbuthnot, and ex-husband, the ludicrously self-styled K-Fed, were unavailable for comment.