HEATHER NOW "GREENER THAN LINDA"

Troubled Scouse spouse Heather Mills is now officially greener than her estranged husband's first wife, deceased vegetarian Linda McCartney, following her decision to go vegan last week. "Linda was only ever lacto-ovovegetarian," stated an inside source. "Heather wants to go one better and really demonstrate her environmental credentials. Ethi-polls demonstrate that Ms Mills' decision has hit the green spot, and that she is now perceived as twice as green as her no-longer-with-us love rival. Poll participants rated her at a high level of greenness, agreeing with adjectives such as "sage" and "jade" to describe the exact shade. However, the McCartney family have hit out at the poll results, branding them "unfair". "My mother was three times as green as Heather," reportedly raged Heather's fashion designer stepdaughter Stella. "It's just an attempt to grab headlines." Heather's ex-husband, the obscenely rich former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly seen to be smoking the green, and therefore unavailable for comment.

BRINGING UP THE REAR: JORDAN TO HAVE RECTUM RESHAPED

England's most famous surgically-enhanced was seen near a North London cosmetic surgery clinic yesterday, fuelling rumours that she is considering further operations. The glamour model and reality TV star, who also goes by her real name Katie Price, admitted recently that she intended to have yet more breast augmentation. "It will be my fourth boob job," admitted Jordan, who in the same interview revealed that she is considering vaginoplasty in order to achieve reborn virginal status. An inside source suggested yesterday that Jordan is also considering rectoplasty - a procedure undergone largely by stars of adult films, to reshape her rectum. The all-purpose celebrity's posterior will be more youthful after the op, and will be better shaped to accommodate objects including her own head.

"BRANGELINA" TO BECOME A REALITY

Hollywood's most famous A-list couple revealed yesterday that they were to be "fused" to create one person. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirmed that their DNA would be blended in MIT's much-vaunted new bio-silo to create "Brangelina", a single superbeing named after their portmanteau press nickname. "Brangelina will contain us both," stated Ms Jolie at press conference today. "It will be able to do all the things we can as individuals, while holding the two of us in a beautiful unified whole."Mr Pitt stood behind his partner and nodded supprtively. "Brad feels the same as I do," continued Ms Jolie when attention was drawn to Mr Pitt's silence. "We have explained this to the kids, Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh and they're for it too. They really like the idea of having a super-parent."
Added Ms Jolie: "Ever since I wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood round my neck, I have dreamed of this day. I am really looking forward to wearing Brad's face."
The so-called Third World is thought to be unnerved at the onslaught of this superbeing, and is hiding its newborns in readiness.

POSH IN AIR-EATING SCANDAL

Amid an increasingly fervent size-zero debate fuelled by celebrity magazines and the gutter tabloids, Victoria Beckham has allegedly embarked on a hydrogen-only diet. "The element hydrogen makes up a proportion of the air that we breathe, but is ignored by the body in favour of the higher-energy oxygen," states Posh's diet advisor, Californian Tiffany Bones. "By using hydrogen instead, Posh can slim down to the newest size, -2, which is healthy for her height." The ex-Spice Girl will be fitted with a chemical converter to extract hydrogen from the air and infuse it into her bloodstream. The diet is the eighth that Posh has been on since July. Previous diets include only eating hermit crabs, whortleberries and green tea.

MOSS "MOONLIGHTING AS STARVING CHILD"

It has come to light today that well-known skinnymalinks model Kate Moss moonlights as a starving child for charity advertisements designed to bleed guilt money out of people mulching their kidneys with hamburgers. Ms Moss, who shot to fame modelling for Calvin Klein, hunches up her globally famous six-foot frame in order to pass for a malnourished nine-year-old in the ads, which air on television at all hours of the day. An anonymous source said, "Even with excessive zombifying makeup, Kate Moss' face is recognisable as that of the child in the ad." There is as yet no confirmation in the rumour that the "excessive zombifying makeup" spoken of was manufactured by Ms Moss' previous employers, the cosmetics giant Rimmel.
Boris Fortescue, a spokesperson for the Lovely Little Children charity which runs the advertisements, expressed surprise and dismay at the discovery. "I am surprised and dismayed," Mr Fortescue revealed in press conference today. "I had no idea that our ads didn't use real children. Furthermore, I am concerned that a woman who is rumoured in every tabloid to be a cokehead and an anorexic is perhaps not the best role model for the mass media-starved children we are trying to bring to a global audience."
Ms Moss' on-off-on partner, the unprosecutable smackmeister and Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty was unavailable for comment.

GORE: I'LL TURNABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

Al Gore announced today that he is to be frozen in a glacier for three days to raise awareness of climate change. The former vice-president of the United States recently received the Nobel Peace Prize for his environmental activism. "Climate change is a vital issue for us all," stated Mr Gore in press conference today. "By becoming an iceman, I will be able to highlight this." Mr Gore has been working with well-known New York magician David Blaine to ensure that he will survive the seventy-two hour freezing in Nunavut's Turnabout Glacier.
"After the freezing, I will tear myself out of the glacier and stomp, ice-covered, to Washington DC, which is incidentally my birthplace, in order to present a world petition to the leaders of my country to stop their heedless and selfish waste of natural resources when the rest of the world is putting some effort in." Added Gore: "The iceman cometh, and I hope it will scare the bejesus out of them."

RICHARD BRANSON TO STAR IN NEW REALITY TV SHOW



Cringworthy moneybags entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson is to present a new reality TV show in ITV's continuing quest to contribute to national health by providing television that will stimulate the public to go out instead. Grovel For It! will air on Saturday nights, and feature people who were mildly famous about twenty years ago. During the hour-long show, guests will perform increasingly desperate acts in order to secure some of the Virgin megastar's cash stash to shore up their own failing careers. "Each act comes with a price tag," explained a spokesperson for Sir Richard. "Doing a little dance will secure you £50. Signing a contract with a German scat production company will earn you £200. The really high price tags are attached to wild and inventive acts such as attempting to marry a Guernsey cow, having a threesome with Ant and Dec, or sobbing at Sir Richard's feet, begging him for a second chance at fame. It's perfect family viewing."