CHRISTMAS BANNED

It has been announced that Christmas 2007 will be the last celebrated in England on health and safety grounds. Millions of British women suffer stress and/or injury each year during the festive season, and the risk is now deemed to be too great. Local townswoman Asima Iqbal will be sad to see it go: "Although we're Muslims and don't celebrate Christmas, we still serve the food and give presents - it's tradition," Mrs Iqbal, 33, from Bradford, shared. "Last year I broke my foot by dropping the massive overfed turkey on it, and having all the family round was awful. But what's winter without Christmas?" However, not everyone shares her view. Armani Hughes, 20, from Romford, said: "I just can't be a*sed with it. We have chips on Christmas Day. I'm not cooking all that lot just for someone to eat it." Mrs Hughes has also sustained a festive injury; last year she developed RSI in her left wrist due to repeatedly making rude gestures at her shiftless idler husband. On the whole the decision is greeted with saddened relief, except by tabloid newspapers. "What are we supposed to chunter about now?" asked Richard Braine of The Star. "We can't blame this on immigrants. The paper's washed up, and we can't even say it's political correctness gone mad."
Mr Braine added: "Won't somebody please think of the journalists?"

SPICE FIGHTS ARE STAGED, CLAIMS CHOREOGRAPHER

An itinerant choreographer today hit out at the newly-reformed Spice Girls, claiming: "The whole thing is stage managed from start to finish. The tour, diets and reunion fights have all been carefully pre-scripted. If they speak a single word that deviates from the script, they stand to lose every penny of their fee." Suspicions of the sort were raised after dissatisfied Mel C, who is rumoured to have a talent, was seen with her head in her hands sobbing in a Kentish Town bar. As concerned staff approached the celebrity (real name Melanie Chisholm), she was accosted by a phalanx of security guards and led away with a bag over her head. Bar manager Dylan Owusu commented: "She was clearly distraught. You could hear the sobs from inside the bag, but although we pleaded with the security guards to treat her gently, they just told us that it was part of her contract." The revelations made by choreographer Shelley Cordigan backed up fears that the Spice Girls are entirely at the mercy of their management. Ms Cordigan showed "tour blueprints" to the press. The "blueprints" mapped out the tour from start to finish, including rows between Ms Chisholm and bandmate Victoria Beckham and between Geri Halliwell and everybody, a new diet for Ms Beckham and a secret group suicide bid. They bore the authentic signature of each Spice Girl, next to a promise that should any member renege on the agreement, they would be replaced on tour by their child.
Fears are now rampant for the safety of the Spice Girls under such brutal rule. The shakiness of the signatures indicates that the signers were wearing thumbscrews at the time. Ms Cordigan states, "The girls are fed on bread and water in between gigs, and only allowed to see a regulated amount of sunlight." Pressure groups are now calling for their imminent release from the contract.

HEATHER NOW "GREENER THAN LINDA"

Troubled Scouse spouse Heather Mills is now officially greener than her estranged husband's first wife, deceased vegetarian Linda McCartney, following her decision to go vegan last week. "Linda was only ever lacto-ovovegetarian," stated an inside source. "Heather wants to go one better and really demonstrate her environmental credentials. Ethi-polls demonstrate that Ms Mills' decision has hit the green spot, and that she is now perceived as twice as green as her no-longer-with-us love rival. Poll participants rated her at a high level of greenness, agreeing with adjectives such as "sage" and "jade" to describe the exact shade. However, the McCartney family have hit out at the poll results, branding them "unfair". "My mother was three times as green as Heather," reportedly raged Heather's fashion designer stepdaughter Stella. "It's just an attempt to grab headlines." Heather's ex-husband, the obscenely rich former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly seen to be smoking the green, and therefore unavailable for comment.

BRINGING UP THE REAR: JORDAN TO HAVE RECTUM RESHAPED

England's most famous surgically-enhanced was seen near a North London cosmetic surgery clinic yesterday, fuelling rumours that she is considering further operations. The glamour model and reality TV star, who also goes by her real name Katie Price, admitted recently that she intended to have yet more breast augmentation. "It will be my fourth boob job," admitted Jordan, who in the same interview revealed that she is considering vaginoplasty in order to achieve reborn virginal status. An inside source suggested yesterday that Jordan is also considering rectoplasty - a procedure undergone largely by stars of adult films, to reshape her rectum. The all-purpose celebrity's posterior will be more youthful after the op, and will be better shaped to accommodate objects including her own head.

"BRANGELINA" TO BECOME A REALITY

Hollywood's most famous A-list couple revealed yesterday that they were to be "fused" to create one person. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirmed that their DNA would be blended in MIT's much-vaunted new bio-silo to create "Brangelina", a single superbeing named after their portmanteau press nickname. "Brangelina will contain us both," stated Ms Jolie at press conference today. "It will be able to do all the things we can as individuals, while holding the two of us in a beautiful unified whole."Mr Pitt stood behind his partner and nodded supprtively. "Brad feels the same as I do," continued Ms Jolie when attention was drawn to Mr Pitt's silence. "We have explained this to the kids, Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh and they're for it too. They really like the idea of having a super-parent."
Added Ms Jolie: "Ever since I wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood round my neck, I have dreamed of this day. I am really looking forward to wearing Brad's face."
The so-called Third World is thought to be unnerved at the onslaught of this superbeing, and is hiding its newborns in readiness.

POSH IN AIR-EATING SCANDAL

Amid an increasingly fervent size-zero debate fuelled by celebrity magazines and the gutter tabloids, Victoria Beckham has allegedly embarked on a hydrogen-only diet. "The element hydrogen makes up a proportion of the air that we breathe, but is ignored by the body in favour of the higher-energy oxygen," states Posh's diet advisor, Californian Tiffany Bones. "By using hydrogen instead, Posh can slim down to the newest size, -2, which is healthy for her height." The ex-Spice Girl will be fitted with a chemical converter to extract hydrogen from the air and infuse it into her bloodstream. The diet is the eighth that Posh has been on since July. Previous diets include only eating hermit crabs, whortleberries and green tea.

MOSS "MOONLIGHTING AS STARVING CHILD"

It has come to light today that well-known skinnymalinks model Kate Moss moonlights as a starving child for charity advertisements designed to bleed guilt money out of people mulching their kidneys with hamburgers. Ms Moss, who shot to fame modelling for Calvin Klein, hunches up her globally famous six-foot frame in order to pass for a malnourished nine-year-old in the ads, which air on television at all hours of the day. An anonymous source said, "Even with excessive zombifying makeup, Kate Moss' face is recognisable as that of the child in the ad." There is as yet no confirmation in the rumour that the "excessive zombifying makeup" spoken of was manufactured by Ms Moss' previous employers, the cosmetics giant Rimmel.
Boris Fortescue, a spokesperson for the Lovely Little Children charity which runs the advertisements, expressed surprise and dismay at the discovery. "I am surprised and dismayed," Mr Fortescue revealed in press conference today. "I had no idea that our ads didn't use real children. Furthermore, I am concerned that a woman who is rumoured in every tabloid to be a cokehead and an anorexic is perhaps not the best role model for the mass media-starved children we are trying to bring to a global audience."
Ms Moss' on-off-on partner, the unprosecutable smackmeister and Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty was unavailable for comment.