MOSS "MOONLIGHTING AS STARVING CHILD"

It has come to light today that well-known skinnymalinks model Kate Moss moonlights as a starving child for charity advertisements designed to bleed guilt money out of people mulching their kidneys with hamburgers. Ms Moss, who shot to fame modelling for Calvin Klein, hunches up her globally famous six-foot frame in order to pass for a malnourished nine-year-old in the ads, which air on television at all hours of the day. An anonymous source said, "Even with excessive zombifying makeup, Kate Moss' face is recognisable as that of the child in the ad." There is as yet no confirmation in the rumour that the "excessive zombifying makeup" spoken of was manufactured by Ms Moss' previous employers, the cosmetics giant Rimmel.
Boris Fortescue, a spokesperson for the Lovely Little Children charity which runs the advertisements, expressed surprise and dismay at the discovery. "I am surprised and dismayed," Mr Fortescue revealed in press conference today. "I had no idea that our ads didn't use real children. Furthermore, I am concerned that a woman who is rumoured in every tabloid to be a cokehead and an anorexic is perhaps not the best role model for the mass media-starved children we are trying to bring to a global audience."
Ms Moss' on-off-on partner, the unprosecutable smackmeister and Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty was unavailable for comment.

GORE: I'LL TURNABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

Al Gore announced today that he is to be frozen in a glacier for three days to raise awareness of climate change. The former vice-president of the United States recently received the Nobel Peace Prize for his environmental activism. "Climate change is a vital issue for us all," stated Mr Gore in press conference today. "By becoming an iceman, I will be able to highlight this." Mr Gore has been working with well-known New York magician David Blaine to ensure that he will survive the seventy-two hour freezing in Nunavut's Turnabout Glacier.
"After the freezing, I will tear myself out of the glacier and stomp, ice-covered, to Washington DC, which is incidentally my birthplace, in order to present a world petition to the leaders of my country to stop their heedless and selfish waste of natural resources when the rest of the world is putting some effort in." Added Gore: "The iceman cometh, and I hope it will scare the bejesus out of them."

RICHARD BRANSON TO STAR IN NEW REALITY TV SHOW



Cringworthy moneybags entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson is to present a new reality TV show in ITV's continuing quest to contribute to national health by providing television that will stimulate the public to go out instead. Grovel For It! will air on Saturday nights, and feature people who were mildly famous about twenty years ago. During the hour-long show, guests will perform increasingly desperate acts in order to secure some of the Virgin megastar's cash stash to shore up their own failing careers. "Each act comes with a price tag," explained a spokesperson for Sir Richard. "Doing a little dance will secure you £50. Signing a contract with a German scat production company will earn you £200. The really high price tags are attached to wild and inventive acts such as attempting to marry a Guernsey cow, having a threesome with Ant and Dec, or sobbing at Sir Richard's feet, begging him for a second chance at fame. It's perfect family viewing."

DIANA'S HEART TRULY "QUEEN OF HEARTS"

The pathologist's attendant for the postmortem performed on Diana, Princess of Wales, confirmed today that her heart was unusual in many ways. Andre Psmith, 32, who has worked as a pathologist's attendant and scalpel-holder for some two years, witnessed the royal autopsy in 1997, and remembers vividly seeing the heart.
"It was greatly engorged for one thing, very large," he revealed to reporters today. "She literally had a very big heart. There was room for at least one small, disadvantaged child to curl up inside." Asked if he had tested this theory, Mr Psmith agreed that a colleague's baby had been "borrowed" for the purpose. "The heart also showed damage, and in many places it was actually broken," Mr Psmith went on, becoming tearful, "She suffered so much, not just for herself but for us all." Mr Psmith, a noted royalist, also stated that the heart was a delicate rose-blush pink "very classy, not like the crude crimson hues favoured by commoners," and that the aorta formed into a delicate crown shape.

"I'VE TURNED MY LIFE AROUND": BRITNEY TO MARRY VICAR

In the wake of losing custody of her children to her dense ex Kevin Federline, drug allegations and a seeming allergy to underwear, pop princess Britney Spears announced her engagement last night to the Reverend John Arbuthnot (59), of Carshalton.
Ms Spears, 24, attended a press conference last night clad in a calf-length floral Laura Ashley dress and flat lace-up shoes. In homage to the well-known fact that brunettes are immune to the label of "slapper", Miss Spears had also dyed her hair a dull mid-brown.
"I have done a lot of things I am not proud of," Miss Spears told reporters, "including losing my children, but I have changed my ways, and found God through His servant John. My love for John will last forever, or at least longer than my previous two marriages have done. So at least two years."
"And it has nothing to do with trying to get my children back," added Miss Spears.
In her new role as vicar's wife, Miss Spears will attend village fetes, visit the elderly and infirm, and make disgusting marrow jam for consumption by visitors. "I am really looking forward to my new life," stated Britney bravely, as she left in the knackered old Volvo that is all the Reverend can afford on his stipend.
Her fiance, the Reverend Arbuthnot, and ex-husband, the ludicrously self-styled K-Fed, were unavailable for comment.

HEAT! MAGAZINE IN "MADE UP" SCANDAL

LONDON:- It transpired today that popular celebrity gossip mag Heat has made up various people to feature in its magazine as celeb icons of fashion and lifestyle. The purely imaginary people include Geri Halliwell, Colleen McLoughlin and the entire cast of the last series of Big Brother. "We pay out-of-work actors and homeless people to wear ridiculous versions of the latest fashions so that we can put a big red X to them in the magazine's Style section," admitted a spokesperson for the tree-wasting rag. "And we point at them and laugh for having cellulite."
The magazine, which in true Poundland style costs a mere pound, defends its actions: "We are giving the dignity of work to these people," stated Heat's spokesperson. "Literally hundreds of bored office workers who make up our demographic look to people like Colleen to help them make informed choices about whether to wear knickers out and whether Kerry Katona's fiance looks like a smackhead or not. We provide a service."
The concoction of flamboyant lies came to light when local man Devon Coutts-ffinchley was refused service at a soup kitchen. Devon, 29, had previously appeared in the fame-grubbing publication as Jeff Brazier, a one-time boyfriend of equally tangentially-famous Jade Goody. "They said I was stealing food from the mouths of the needy," shared Devon between sobs of starvation. "I swore that I wasn't famous, but they said they'd seen me in Heat putting my bin out in a tatty old dressing-gown, and drove me away."
Added Mr Coutts-ffinchley with desperation in his eyes: "I thought Heat would give me work and a way to get off the streets. Now I'm starving to death in a ditch."
Asked what Heat had to say, their spokesperson added defensively: "Look, it's an OK mag. And we do TV listings."
Readers of Heat barely flicked their bored eyeballs away from the TV when informed of the news.