BOBBY AND FREDDIE TO BE NEXT JADE, SAYS SIR MAX (OR DOES HE?)

PR guru Max Clifford today spoke for the first time of his plans for after Jade Goody dies.
Clifford, who has been laughing all the way to the bank since the cancer-stricken reality TV star revealed that she is dying horrifically young of a terrible disease, stated that he had plenty of ideas for life after Jade.
"I'll sell exclusive rights to the funeral," he mused, toying with a jeroboam of champagne in front of a rare Renoir, "of course, to either OK or Hello, and then whoever doesn't get the rights will have the option of buying a series of articles on how Jade's little sons are coping. With lots of big pictures of their pale, tragic faces."
Mr Clifford declined to comment on rumours that he is planning to "train up" Miss Goody's sons Bobby, five, and Freddie, three, to replace her as his number one cash cow.

WELLARD: WHERE IS HE NOW?

Soap pooch Wellard spoke exclusively to the Scandaless today about his plans for the future following his recent departure from EastEnders.

Clad in a figure-hugging lycra collar and lead ensemble that paid tribute to the success of his recent fitness DVD release, Walkies! with Wellard, Wellard was looking good as he confirmed that he has plenty of plans in the pipeline.

"I'll probably go down the daytime TV route, maybe guest on breakfast shows, do a spot of presenting, then join all the rest of the ex-EastEnders actors in The Bill or Holby City," Wellard told reporters.

He added: "I'll also do a revealing shoot for FHM or Nuts as soon as I have had minor surgery, and following that I expect Celebrity Big Brother will come knocking. By that time EastEnders will want me back again. So I've got it made, really." Wellard also revealed plans to continue to socialise with his doggy ex-castmates Betty and Terence, "especially Terence," he added, with a knowing wink.

X-FACTOR SERIES PRODUCTION STOPS AS CHERYL SNAPS IN HALF

Production of the new X-Factor series has stopped abruptly as judge Cheryl Cole snapped in half yesterday. The sudden bisection happened while Ms. Cole was trying a new pose with a half-twist designed to show off her "best angle" to the ferociously snapping cameras of the papparazzi. The twenty-five degree angle she is thought to have achieved at the top of her spine shattered several vertebrae as well as more than one rib, causing Ms. Cole to snap completely in half. The injury is thought to have been due to the excessive dieting Ms Cole has engaged in during the years. Her current weight is four and three-quarter ounces.

WORZELS TO MARKET OWN PERFUME RANGE

Following hot in the footsteps of Britney, Kylie and J-Lo, legendary scrumpy and western combo The Wurzels are to market their own perfume range. The cider-swilling Wurzels, who passed into superstardom after their much-loved 1976 no. 1 smash hit The Combine Harvester, can now be counted as ironically retro and home-grown organic talent, and as such are now becoming popular among the iPod-toting stylised-mulleted late-twentysomething commuter.
A spokesman for the West Country-based group stated: "Twenty-first century fame is about far more than talent and a turn for humorous songs. The Wurzels are now obliged to catch up with the times and consider such other vital aspects of fame, such as reality TV shows, soap guest appearances, and perfume." The scent, named Weli, has strong notes of cider with a blitz of fresh air and a faint levelling-off of authentic Somerset manure, and is expected to sell well among rural types, such as poachers and shepherds. Should the perfume reach expected sales figures, the next step is thought to be a designer Wurzels range of outdoor countrywear, in conjunction with wax jacket giants Barbour.

CHRISTMAS BANNED

It has been announced that Christmas 2007 will be the last celebrated in England on health and safety grounds. Millions of British women suffer stress and/or injury each year during the festive season, and the risk is now deemed to be too great. Local townswoman Asima Iqbal will be sad to see it go: "Although we're Muslims and don't celebrate Christmas, we still serve the food and give presents - it's tradition," Mrs Iqbal, 33, from Bradford, shared. "Last year I broke my foot by dropping the massive overfed turkey on it, and having all the family round was awful. But what's winter without Christmas?" However, not everyone shares her view. Armani Hughes, 20, from Romford, said: "I just can't be a*sed with it. We have chips on Christmas Day. I'm not cooking all that lot just for someone to eat it." Mrs Hughes has also sustained a festive injury; last year she developed RSI in her left wrist due to repeatedly making rude gestures at her shiftless idler husband. On the whole the decision is greeted with saddened relief, except by tabloid newspapers. "What are we supposed to chunter about now?" asked Richard Braine of The Star. "We can't blame this on immigrants. The paper's washed up, and we can't even say it's political correctness gone mad."
Mr Braine added: "Won't somebody please think of the journalists?"

SPICE FIGHTS ARE STAGED, CLAIMS CHOREOGRAPHER

An itinerant choreographer today hit out at the newly-reformed Spice Girls, claiming: "The whole thing is stage managed from start to finish. The tour, diets and reunion fights have all been carefully pre-scripted. If they speak a single word that deviates from the script, they stand to lose every penny of their fee." Suspicions of the sort were raised after dissatisfied Mel C, who is rumoured to have a talent, was seen with her head in her hands sobbing in a Kentish Town bar. As concerned staff approached the celebrity (real name Melanie Chisholm), she was accosted by a phalanx of security guards and led away with a bag over her head. Bar manager Dylan Owusu commented: "She was clearly distraught. You could hear the sobs from inside the bag, but although we pleaded with the security guards to treat her gently, they just told us that it was part of her contract." The revelations made by choreographer Shelley Cordigan backed up fears that the Spice Girls are entirely at the mercy of their management. Ms Cordigan showed "tour blueprints" to the press. The "blueprints" mapped out the tour from start to finish, including rows between Ms Chisholm and bandmate Victoria Beckham and between Geri Halliwell and everybody, a new diet for Ms Beckham and a secret group suicide bid. They bore the authentic signature of each Spice Girl, next to a promise that should any member renege on the agreement, they would be replaced on tour by their child.
Fears are now rampant for the safety of the Spice Girls under such brutal rule. The shakiness of the signatures indicates that the signers were wearing thumbscrews at the time. Ms Cordigan states, "The girls are fed on bread and water in between gigs, and only allowed to see a regulated amount of sunlight." Pressure groups are now calling for their imminent release from the contract.

HEATHER NOW "GREENER THAN LINDA"

Troubled Scouse spouse Heather Mills is now officially greener than her estranged husband's first wife, deceased vegetarian Linda McCartney, following her decision to go vegan last week. "Linda was only ever lacto-ovovegetarian," stated an inside source. "Heather wants to go one better and really demonstrate her environmental credentials. Ethi-polls demonstrate that Ms Mills' decision has hit the green spot, and that she is now perceived as twice as green as her no-longer-with-us love rival. Poll participants rated her at a high level of greenness, agreeing with adjectives such as "sage" and "jade" to describe the exact shade. However, the McCartney family have hit out at the poll results, branding them "unfair". "My mother was three times as green as Heather," reportedly raged Heather's fashion designer stepdaughter Stella. "It's just an attempt to grab headlines." Heather's ex-husband, the obscenely rich former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly seen to be smoking the green, and therefore unavailable for comment.